Para this, Nataxa Ruzafa gives us a hand, she is a psychologist specialized in self-esteem and emotional management and precisely addresses this issue in her new book ‘When Will I Be Enough? (Molino). We interviewed her at Europa Press Salud Infosalus because in the book she talks about how emotional immaturity would correspond to a «unhealthy and maladaptive behavior or tendency of our references».
As she explains, the term ‘emotional immaturity’ refers to all those behaviors or patterns that we may have developed when managing our emotions and that are not entirely healthy: «It is all kinds of behaviors and patterns that lead us to manage what happens to us on a day-to-day basis, or the relationship with other people in our context in an unhealthy or maladaptive way, and this is the result of not being taught. In recent years, there has been little space in our upbringing for the emotional aspect.»
IT’S TIME TO WORK ON THE EMOTIONAL SIDE
However, this expert celebrates that emotional immaturity is «not something static», but something that can be worked on. She also believes that now is a social opportunity in this regard because, for example, going to a psychologist and working on oneself is more accepted nowadays.
«It is no longer as stigmatized and there is more acceptance of this reality, also among older people. I think it is a moment of opportunity regardless of age or generation. Now those who are parents are doing emotional work that those who did it before did not do as much because there was not as much access to psychology, it was not as well seen to show vulnerability,» Ruzafa points out.
SIGNS THAT A PERSON IS EMOTIONALLY IMMATURE
In this sense, among the signs that a person is emotionally immature, she talks about very impulsive and unpredictable responses, very changeable. «One day I encounter that emotional reference that I had in my upbringing and I don’t really know how I’m going to find it because it is unpredictable,» she says.
She also mentions a difficulty in empathizing with the other person: «Sometimes to resolve conflicts, you have to make the effort to step out of our reality and try to understand the other person’s, who may have experienced the conflict differently. Sometimes a sign is that I stay very rooted in my own reality and there is a feeling that my truth is absolute and I want it to prevail.»
Likewise, this psychologist specialized in self-esteem points out the difficulties in introspection and self-criticism, speaking of those people who find it difficult to take responsibility and always stay on the defensive or attack others.
But she also insists on that more avoidant part, that reaction we have to a conflict that we don’t like and try to avoid or resist seeing that reality. «Suddenly something has happened that apparently does not seem so important but the emotional response that is triggered is disproportionate to what has happened,» she adds as another sign of emotional immaturity.
THE IMPACT OF EMOTIONAL IMMATURITY ON OTHERS
Thus, in the book she also warns that the inability to recognize and express emotions in an appropriate way can have a significant impact on the people around us, especially on children.
Nataxa Ruzafa argues that the references we have had, the figures of upbringing, are the first ones we relate to and establish a bond with; from there we unconsciously acquire how to relate to others, or how to react to certain events, our emotional management, ultimately, as this expert appreciates.
In this regard, she celebrates that our past generations, who in many cases lived through war or post-war, did not focus on the emotional aspect because they did not have space for it, as their concerns were different; however, nowadays we can enjoy that emotional space. «We come from generations where no space has been given to the emotional world, to how to support others, or what to do when feeling anger and frustration. There has been much denial of this and emotions have not been allowed to be connected with,» Nataxa Ruzafa reiterates.
In fact, she continues, if my parents have not allowed it either, it will probably be very difficult for me to learn how to manage or deal with it in a healthy way if I have not had references to show me how: «We all understand that we learn to speak from context, from the mother tongue, from the vocabulary at home, so I will develop my language based on that. But the same will happen with emotional language. My emotional language will be based on that, and I will learn accordingly to manage my emotional part because sometimes there is no space for that and that denial leads to internalizing that it is not right or it is excessive.»
HOW TO OVERCOME EMOTIONAL IMMATURITY
With all this, we ask this psychologist to provide us with a series of tips for managing that emotional immaturity in daily life, pointing out first the importance of therapy in these situations. «The therapeutic space is ideal because it allows us to delve deep and identify the root of the problem, because sometimes we stick with what is visible, with the symptom, and the root is harder to find,» she argues.
But in everyday life to improve these signs of emotional immaturity, Ruzafa says that «the things that have been hurt in a bond can also be healed in a bond», and sometimes there are relationships to take small steps of value, or set new relational precedents with other people.
«Just as sometimes pain can be generated in these relationships, they can also heal, and by allowing oneself to connect with other people who have a more cultivated emotional maturity, who bring us well-being, this can help improve one’s emotional immaturity,» emphasizes this specialist.
When trying to regulate our nervous system, which can be very activated, Nataxa Ruzafa advocates for those things that make us connect with the here and now, such as breathing. «We must see what is making me feel in danger, what I find difficult to manage, or makes me feel insecure, and here too therapy helps a lot to address this aspect,» she concludes.