«What hurts each person depends on the individual. In these cases, we must always pay attention not to the wounds we have, which are very evident, but to what happens around them. And also to that ‘relational malnutrition’ with those things that would have been important in relationships important to us in life, and that produce a not so visible effect,» emphasizes psychiatrist and psychotherapist Anabel González in an interview with Europa Press Infosalus.
She has just published ‘What Happened to Us’ with Planeta, a manual in which she aims to «heal the wounds left by abandonment, absence, and losses,» that is, that ‘relational malnutrition’ she calls it, which would have been important for us in those important relationships, but ultimately were not and left a gap.
LOOKING BACK TO UNDERSTAND THE PRESENT
The director of the Imaya Medical Institute, and president of the EMDR Spain Association, warns, for example, that there are situations that happen to us now, in which if we trace back and look for connections, we will find this type of ‘relational malnutrition.’
«Some people handle loneliness very well, while others avoid it, for example. To fill those times, it would be healthy to be with people and comfortable, but also to have moments of doing nothing in particular. If we look back, the most powerful experiences of loneliness we have go back to childhood, where loneliness is not well received; or in an important relationship, if we have had a partner and felt alone in difficult times. This can make the feelings of loneliness resonate with a negative sensation. It’s like delving back and finding threads that explain what is happening now,» she adds.
She points out that «everyone’s paths are very particular,» and some things may weigh more on some than on others, although everything can generate a sense of internal emptiness, «quite unpleasant,» «a black hole that we don’t want to approach,» and for which we have to be busy all the time, «it’s not a calm, deep, and serene way of being in the world,» González emphasizes.
In fact, she emphasizes that if we have previous feelings of abandonment from past experiences in relationships, for example, there are times when we can consider anything, endure anything, because the damage from abandonment will be worse for us than the daily damage, for example, where there may even be a context of abuse: «I can do things that are not good for me, that do not align with my needs, and endure certain things like abuse just so I won’t be left.»
In this regard, this expert in EMDR therapy points out that «the brain learns from what it experiences» and by experiencing abandonment situations again, «the brain does what it experienced,» and there are people who let themselves go, turn to alcohol or substance abuse, to try to neutralize that feeling; and all this, as this psychiatrist, psychotherapist, and doctor in Medicine argues, because there is a lack of «nutritious positive experiences» at certain times in life.
WHAT SHOULD WE DO IF SOMETHING BAD HAPPENS TO US
Therefore, when something bad happens to us, Anabel González argues that, yes, we can find something good in many situations, at least being attentive so as not to experience that bad situation again, but what we must always do beforehand is «not overlook if something bad has happened to us, and embrace it.»
This translates, as this expert continues, into understanding, processing, integrating what happened: «It will be good for me, for example, to be able to share it and see it from different perspectives; when something hurts me, I have had to embrace the pain to overcome it because it is difficult and stings. If I don’t go through the whole process first, and try to jump quickly to ‘I want to find something positive in this,’ I might not be able to. There are things, sometimes so difficult, that finding something positive is not possible; but the only thing that can help is to try not to find ourselves in those types of situations more often. Sometimes surviving the bad things that happen to us and not leaving a wound open is not bad at all.»
WHY DO SOME PEOPLE TOLERATE SETBACKS BETTER
In this context, we ask Dr. González why some people handle setbacks better than others, to which she responds that throughout life we all navigate an emotional training in which we manage our discomfort, remembering that where we start to regulate our emotions is in childhood.
«If my parents are able to embrace the pain, it will be normal for me to embrace the pain and not deny it. There are such insignificant things, like telling a child not to cry, that it’s nothing, to make them happy right away, that have a big impact and only teach them to quickly skip over the pain,» she points out.
In fact, she warns that in the face of the loss of a super important loved one for us, when we really worry is if the next day that person who has suffered the loss is acting as if nothing happened. «We need to give negative emotions time to process,» asserts this psychiatrist.
But she also says that there are people who not only tolerate setbacks better because they have learned that emotional regulation in childhood, but also because they have experienced such hard experiences in life that have toughened them in a way, so they can face other challenges in a better way.
HOW CAN WE REINFORCE IT
Finally, we ask Anabel González to help us understand how we can reinforce these types of situations, highlighting that «there are many ways,» and a central part is helping ourselves to understand.
«Don’t dwell on it and reflect a bit on what happened, on how our mind works inside, on how we function in relationships. The better we understand ourselves, the more we will find on our path, and it is very important in life to be on our side, and sometimes we ignore ourselves or are our worst enemy,» she concludes.